Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My room smells like vodka and shame
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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