She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
