Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
