1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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