Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
