Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
