Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
