Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
