You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
