The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
