woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
