Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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