wanna go halves on a baby?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
