she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just pee around me
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
They have beer where we have blood.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
