Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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