i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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