i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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