i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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