you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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