Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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