I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
