Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
