Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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