and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
