Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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