I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
