Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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