She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
