I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
