I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
