Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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