I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
