none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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