I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
