are you still at the devil's house?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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