I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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