I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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