So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
