i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
