I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
