I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
