You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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