My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
