I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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