I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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