so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
