I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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