Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I need to calm my uterus...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
