I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
