If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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