You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
